House Wars
by iamdkscully
Summary: Sam, Jack, home improvements and interior design. What could possibly go wrong? A series of stand-alone one-shots.
1. Chapter 1

"Really, Sam? Another one?"

"Yes. We need another one."

"No, we don't."

"Yes we do."

"No we don't."

"Fine. I'll put the rest of my textbooks and journals on the shelves in the garage."

"Wait! What?"

"It's either another bookshelf in the den or _your_ shelf space in the garage."

"_My_ shelf space? I don't think so. You can take some of _your_ tools out of commission. I _need_ my stuff."

"Really? You _need_ the box of unmatched screws, nuts, and bolts? You _need_ the box of paint brushes that haven't been used since you bought this house? You _need_ the box full of the last 15 years of the _Sports_ _Illustrated_ swimsuit issue that sits on the third shelf up from the bench that you think I _haven't_ known about since the first time the team kept house for you after we came back from Antarctica?"

"Wait! What? How did you? I don't even want to know. Fine. You win. One more bookshelf. But I don't have to help put it together and the girls and their suits stay right where they are."

"Fine."

"Fine."

"Oh and Jack?"

"Yeah."

"2002, Page 29 has nothing on the suit I just bought for our next trip to the cabin."


	2. Lights Please

"Jack, what the hell is that?!"

"What's what?"

"That!"

"Isn't it awesome?"

"Not the word I would use."

"I bought it online. Vala helped me."

"Really? We are so gonna have words. So, Jack, tell me, where were you thinking you would put this?

"Here."

"Here?"

"Yes, here."

"In our living room?"

"Of course."

"Yeah, not gonna happen."

"Why?"

"_Why_?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I don't even know where to start?"

"Do you have a better idea?"

"The curb."

"Carter!"

"Don't Carter me. You didn't possibly believe that I would let you put this thing in the house did you?"

"It's my house too ya know. Besides, it has character."

"Jack."

"Okay, tell ya what, I'll put it in the den. That way I get to have it in the house and you only have to see it when you wander in which, let's face it, is hardly ever. It's a win-win."

"Fine, but Jack, really, what possessed you?"

"C'mon, Sam, _A Christmas Story_, it's a classic."


	3. Cabinet Space

"Whatcha doin'?"

"Measuring."

"I can see that. What? Why?"

"Hmm?"

"What are you measuring and why?"

"Oh. I thought I might change some of the cabinetry."

"Excuse me?"

"The cabinets. I thought I might expand them a bit. Maybe add a lazy Susan in this corner, some pull-out shelves."

"Uh-uh! This is _my_ kitchen. I like it just the way it is. Go expand something in the basement or the garage. _This_ space is my space!"

"Ours."

"Mine."

"_Ours!_"

"Technically, yes, but c'mon. Carter, I don't wander into your lab and start moving things around or messing with your doohickeys on a whim."

"You don't?"

"Okay, fine, maybe when I'm bored, but that's beside the point, Carter, this is _my_ kitchen. _I_ cook here."

"And _I_ bake here."

"Yes, yes you do, but, and I can't believe I'm going to say this, man cannot live on cake and cookies alone. I have to _cook_. Steaks, burgers, pasta, brunch, dinner, breakfast in bed, I know how you love your breakfast in bed."

"What does that have to do with the cabinets?"

"Sam, I know this kitchen. I have a rapport with this kitchen. If you go and mess with the system I've got going here, I can't promise that the breakfasts in bed will continue."

"Jack. It's just cabinets and shelves."

"No, not with you it isn't. First it's the cabinets. Then it's the counter tops that don't match the new cabinets. Then we need a new sink because you're changing the counter top anyway so you might as well upgrade the sink. Then we need new appliances because the ones we have don't match the new stainless steel and my beloved gas stove with her beautiful cast iron burners is out at the curb waiting for Larry and his crew for a Monday-morning trash pick up. Before I know it _my_ kitchen will be gone and some state-of-the-art cooking arena will be in its place. Sam, I beg you, _please_, _please_, _please_ don't...touch...my kitchen."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yes, okay. I wouldn't want to come between you and your 'beloved' now would I?"

"Sarcasm? Doth mine ears deceive me? Jealous Carter?"

"Of a stove? Really, Jack."

"Hm."

"Are you _really_ going to _compare_ me to a stove?"

"No, absolutely not, no. Although...she does get hot for me just like that."

"Jack!"

"Oh come on Sam, she might help me make an omelet, but it's the eating it in bed with you that makes it perfect and hot."

"So I keep my breakfasts in bed?"

"Absolutely. I may even expand my repertoire. How about I order Chinese?"

"Ah...dinner in bed?"

"See, I knew I liked the way you think."


	4. The Table

"Are you sure the table is big enough?"

"Huh?"

"The table? Is it going to be big enough?"

"It'll be fine."

"You're sure."

"Yes."

"I'm just asking because Vala and Cam are coming and Cam said he might bring someone, you know that third shift nurse he's been making eyes at, and Cassie's having Dominic come too, apparently he doesn't have anywhere else to go because his parents went out of town and she doesn't want him to be alone and I think they are getting back together _again_ did I tell you that? Plus Daniel and Teal'c, that's nine people, plus we'll need room for all of the food. Are you sure this is going to work?"

"Sam."

"Huh?"

"Breathe. Everything is going to be fine. I promise."

"It's just that…"

"I _know_."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"It's just that it's our first time doing this, Jack, and…God, I really miss her at times like this."

"We all do. And last year sucked without her and this year sucked a little less and it'll keep sucking a little less every time we gather the family together without her."

"So…you really think that this table is big enough for all of us?"

"It was big enough when it was in Janet's dining room and it'll be big enough now."

"You know, everyone thought it was strange that I wanted her table. But, when I look back on all of the times we've spent together over the holidays, I picture us here. You and Daniel fighting over who gets to carve the turkey, Teal'c and Cassie eating pumpkin pie for the first time, playing cards, game night, and just hanging out, having coffee. I…"

"C'mere."

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For being here for me. For letting me freak out about and cry over a stupid dining room table."

"Sam?"

"Hmm?"

"It's not a stupid table."

"No, it's not a stupid table at all."


	5. Till Death Do Us Part

"Sam?"

"Up here."

"Geez. What the...what are you doing up here?"

"Making room."

"For what?"

"The Christmas decorations."

"Why?"

"Why? It's time to take them down, Jack."

"Again, I ask why?"

"Jack, it's the middle of January."

"So."

"So. Most people have taken theirs down already."

"We're not most people."

"No kidding."

"Besides, I like to wait."

"Until?"

"Until the tree dies."

"You're kidding."

"Nope. It's an O'Neill tradition."

"A family tradition, really?"

"Yes, really. Don't sound so surprised. I do have roots you know."

"Roots, yes. So."

"So what?"

"So, tell me why you wait until the tree dies?"

"Oh. Well, according to my great-grandmother, it is bad luck to take any decorations down before January 6."

"January 6? The Feast of the Epiphany?"

"Yes, my grandmother called it Little Christmas, it's an Irish thing. We even got a few extra presents to open that day. Anyway, one year my dad sorta made a joke that since we had to wait anyway that we may as well wait until the tree dies and it sorta stuck."

"How'd that work out?"

"Well, every year we would stop watering the tree on Christmas Day and wait for the needles to start to fall. Sometimes it would barely make it to the sixth, other years the thing held on until damn near Valentine's Day. And, since it was Dad's idea, Dad and I had to lug the thing outta the house. Then we'd all grab brooms and clean up the trail it left behind. I got a black eye one year when my sister 'accidentally' turned around and smacked me in the face with her broom. I've never laughed so hard in my life. You should have seen her face when I 'accidentally' tripped her with mine."

"Why didn't you tell me this before? I gave you such a hard time about it last year and you just let me. How come?"

"Last year wasn't really _our_ Christmas. Things were new, tentative. This year we got to make it our own, together, like family."

"I've been your family for a long time, Jack."

"Yes, but now it's _official_ and I can show you what being an O'Neill truly involves."

"Well then, when we're cleaning up after our deceased tree and you decide to 'accidentally' trip me with your broom, just keep one thing in mind."

"What's that?"

"Hand-to-hand, level 3, advanced."

"Point taken."

**A/N : Because I can't possibly be the only one who has yet to take down the Christmas tree :)**


	6. A Great Set of Pipes

**A Great Set of Pipes**

"I can't believe this."

"It's not the end of the world."

"I just want you to remember that _this_ was _your_ idea."

"_My_ idea? I'm sorry. I distinctly remember a certain someone saying, and I quote, 'Wouldn't it be wonderful to spend some time at the cabin this winter? All that snow sounds _sooo_ romantic.'"

"Yeah, well you could have warned me."

"About what? Snow...in Minnesota...in February? Really, Sam?"

"Well, what are we supposed to do now?"

"Now, we relax. They're calling for at least another foot tonight, but the temps are supposed to go up tomorrow and the next day. So we have a drink, cuddle by the fire, and relax. We'll melt some snow for cooking and drinking and play it by ear. By the time we leave this weekend, everything should be thawed out and I'll have someone come over to re-winterize so it doesn't happen again before we come back in the Spring."

"Shouldn't we _do_ something? I bet I could figure out a way to thaw everything out without us having to..."

"No, trust me. The best thing to do right now is wait it out. This isn't my first rodeo here. So..."

"Do _not_ tell me to relax!"

"Carter, I know it goes against every fiber of your being to just sit and wait, but that is _exactly_ what we get to do right now. Drink, fire, cuddle, relax. Do I have to make it an order?"

"You can't order me to do anything, _General_. But fine, we'll play it your way. Wine, fire, cuddle, and then..."

"Excellent!"

"Um, Jack?"

"Yeah."

"Aren't Daniel and Vala watching our house while we're gone?"

"Yeah."

"The alien and the archaeologist. Snowed in. At our place."

"Sounds like one of those bad romance novels you like so much."

"Funny. Jack, isn't this storm hitting them too?"

"Sam. Drink. Relax. Cuddle."

"Okay, okay. Just one more thing."

"What?!"

"There's no way those two are gonna know what to do if the same thing happens there that happened here."

"Your point?"

"You gotta plumber on speed dial?"


End file.
